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Those of us
unfortunate enough to work in offices probably
spend about a quarter of our lives there. I say
"unfortunate enough" because in offices there are,
inevitably, other humans. And other humans almost
always give one grief. Still, toil in an office
some of us must. And while we do so to make a
living and fulfill ourselves professionally, the
office is also where we make friends so dear to us
they become like family -- if, that is, you
believe what you see on television shows. It can
be hard to make friends though, in an atmosphere
mostly conducive to competition, backstabbing,
dishonesty, machinations and gossip. It can be
hard to function with one's guard constantly up,
and while feigning a friendly interest in your
colleagues, much less live up to your full
potential as a creative hard-working individual
who doesn't ever want to be a burden on society.
So in order to make the office more pleasant for
everyone, I am proposing a set of guidelines to
better ensure all around workspace joy. I say
"guidelines" rather than "rules" or "laws," as no
punishment will be deemed necessary for any
workplace crimes and transgressions -- the
suffering inherent when one has to work in an
office is punishment enough.
1a) -- Too much togetherness is not necessarily a
good thing. Is it not enough that you all already
see each other seven or eight hours a day? There
is no need to eat lunch together, take coffee
breaks together and walk to your cars and or
subway stops together. Doing these things
occasionally is acceptable, even tolerable, but
every day such activities can lead to "postal
syndrome," or to put it in contemporary terms,
"high school syndrome," i.e.where one worker opens
fire on the others.
1b) -- If you run
the office please keep office parties and "fun
days" and "retreats" to a bare
minimum. Parties are more fun if one chooses the
invitees oneself, "fun days" are anything but and
"retreats" are for Roman Catholics.
2 -- You are not
required to like everyone you work with, nor are
they required to like you. However, you are
required -- absolutely all of you -- to be polite
to each other. Therefore, saying "hello,"
"goodbye" and "have a nice weekend," will be
required of all.
3 -- Your
coworkers are only human, as are you. Certain
behaviours must be indulged. While it is
fashionable, even yuppified, to look down one's
nose at someone for such "unprofessional"
behaviour as displaying a normal human emotion or
being in a visibly bad mood, such unprofessional
antics will be tolerated without complaints or
criticism if the guilty party is a) suffering from
a broken heart, b) grieving a loved one (pet or
human) or c) suffering from a terminal illness.
Slack must be cut at these times, particularly in
regards to the lovelorn because, let's face it,
heartache is far more detrimental to someone's
ability to do their job
properly than anything else could ever, ever be.
4 -- It is pretty
much inevitable that at one point you will carry
on a romantic liaison with a coworker, single or
married, same or different gendered, above or
below you on the food chain. Great care must be
taken in all of these circumstances to be
discreet, as if anyone has it in for you at the
office (which is undoubtedly the case), this will
provide them with a few rounds of ammunition.
Conversely, if you happen to walk into someone's
office and see them on top of someone else on
their desk/chair/floor/fax machine, the best thing
to do, the classy thing to do, is to say "oh,
excuse me," turn around, leave the room, close the
door and never breathe a word of it.
5 -- If you are
of a flirtatious nature, try to curb it at work.
Flirting is fun, even nice, but remember, this is
North America, where simply telling someone you
like their skirt can lead to litigation. This is
tragic, in fact, but rebelling against current
pod-people mentalities is surely not worth loosing
your livelihood, is it? And remember that however
innocent your flirting may be, it can be
manipulated by bottom-feeding colleagues in much
the same way as an inter-office affair (see
above).
6 -- If you are
of a cheerful disposition -- particularly if this
disposition has been brought
about by a belief that you have a personal
relationship with Jesus Christ -- try to keep in
under
wraps around heathenous colleagues who may not be
feeling quite as chipper as you. Contrary to
popular misconception, your happiness is not
infectious, it is sickening.
7 -- Your
coworkers are different people from you, and you
from them. Differences of opinion are bound to
come up and must not be taken personally. It is
not because someone has the opposite point of view
of current affairs than you do that they are
trying to hurt your feelings or pick a fight. And
if they are, the best way to handle it is to say
something such as "oh my, what a clever opinion
you have!"
8 -- Please do
not speak about your lovelife -- gay, straight or
anywhere in between -- in loud tones of voice,
even if you have your own office. Someone is bound
to hear. Not that we are prudish, oh no, but some
of us may not be having sex ourselves and may feel
jealous. Along these same lines, if a colleague
can't constrain him or herself from telling you
that they are say, gay, or bisexual, or impotent,
or particularly libidinous and um, socially
active, or have an amply endowed beau, a simple
"how nice for you" would be the best response.
With such a retort, you aren't putting anyone down
and yet, you're letting the other person know you
don't really want to hear much more.
9 -- If you work
in an office with no doors, or in a cubicle
situation or in the dreaded "open office" concept,
great care must be taken when on the phone. Do
not, I repeat, do not: gush in a lovesick tone to
your beloved (as some of us may not have a
beloved, or we may have one who isn't all that
beloved), talk baby-talk to your beloved or even
to your actual baby (that poor child will need
years of therapy to get over it), discuss your
"relationship issues" or plan a party to which not
everyone within earshot is being invited.
10 -- Regarding
dress codes: I am not a fan. If anything, I feel
they focus on the wrong thing, such as forcing
women to wear icky suits and pantyhose and forcing
men to be starched down like a sack of potatoes,
and only allowing any freedom or indication of
one's gender on the pandemic and often offensive
"casual Friday." This is missing the point. I
would be a fan of a dress code that focused on
what truly mattered where clothes are concerned --
making people look their best. In other words, no
lycra (except where undergarments are concerned),
no polyester, no showing of feet, no socks with
sandals, no cowboy clothes of any kind (unless you
work on the range) and absolutely no bearing of
the midriff unless one has suitable abs.
Tune in next time for the much needed "Rules of
Love."
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