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 Winston-Salem,
North Carolina - Speaking at a hastily-assembled
press conference here in the center of the Tobacco
Belt, Joe Camel, retired celebrity spokesperson
for Camel Cigarettes, denied rumors that he has
ties to the Al-Qaeda terrorist organization.
"Look,
these are all lies," said Mr. Camel. "I've
never even been to the Middle East, and for god's
sake, I was raised as a Methodist."
When
asked about his family's ties to Saudi Arabia,
Mr. Camel was the same cool, suave, debonair man
whose trusting face--complete with signature sunglasses
and cigarette dangling dangerously from his lips--convinced
millions of American children to become hooked
at an early age on high-quality unfiltered Turkish
cigarettes. "Ok, this is old news,"
replied Mr. Camel. "Dad left Saudi Arabia
in 1939 and came to America where he joined Ringling
Brothers. He met my mother there and after I came
along they settled down at a petting zoo in Boca
Raton. I think I've got a third cousin who still
lives in Mecca, but I haven't seen him since his
Bar Mitzvah."
In
related news, Herb Shellstein, chief legal counsel
for the Dromedary Anti-Defamation League, today
called on members of the news media to quit referring
to Arabs as "filthy stinking camel-f***ers."
"This is very offensive to members of both
the single- and double-humped communities,"
said Mr. Shellstein. "Camels are an extremely
hygienic and highly-educated ethnic group. To
think that a camel would engage in sexual congress
with an Arab is beyond belief."
Mr.
Shellstein then suggested referring to Arabs by
something non-judgmental like "filthy stinking
pig-f***ers" or "flea-bitten ragheads."
William
Grim - Broken Newz
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