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A
famous American may have said "early to bed,
early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and
wise," but it is a saying that seems more
applicable -- if you believe the received wisdom
-- to Canadians. Canada, most Americans believe,
is a peaceable, benign queendom, populated by
good citizens who go to bed each night right after
watching the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation
(CBC) national news at 9pm. Up at dawn each morning
for another day of good behaviour -- not to mention
another day of spelling things with extra letters
-- Canadians eat a hearty breakfast full of their
favourite foods (anything flavoured with vanilla,
anything with dairy products and fortified with
vitamins) and set out to make the world a better,
more gentle place.
Thanks
to our socialized healthcare system, we experience
near utopian levels of serenity and happiness,
even when confronted with (rare) illness. Our
military is in existence simply to keep the peace
in trouble spots around the world -- Cyprus, the
Balkans, the Middle East, Afghanistan and our
own backyard when those pesky native people of
ours start stockpiling armaments, preventing golf
courses from being built and selling cigarettes
on the black market.
We
are not warmongers like you loudmouthed, arrogant,
boorish Americans, sending your soldiers to oppress
people in Nazi-ridden Europe, commie-ridden Vietnam
and Taliban-ridden Afghanistan. Why there was
even a Canadian prime minister, a man named Lester
B Pearson, who won a Nobel Peace Prize. Canadians
joyfully pay very high taxes in order to support
not only our generous social welfare systems,
but also to pay for "Heritage Moments,"
minute long tv clips which teach us that we invented
basketball, world peace, women's suffrage and
gun control. Our taxes also keep the CBC afloat.
And thank goodness!
For
what would we do without the CBC? Where else could
we learn that the problems in the Middle East
are entirely the fault of the Israelis, and that
September 11 was entirely the fault of the United
States and that Canadians are morally superiour
to just about everyone?
And
there is the rub. Are we really morally superiour?
Are we really so mild, so law-abiding, so...dull?
No. There is a wild side to Canada, a crazy side,
a side that, if the average American saw it, would
make him rethink his attitude and look in awe
at Canada, the wolf in sheep's clothing to the
north of you.
Listen
up, yanks!
In
Toronto, a city that once had "dry"
neighbourhoods, anyone over the age of 19 can
now go into a bar and order an alcoholic beverage
right up until TWO in the morning. And that's
any alcoholic beverage, not just beer.
You can even mix. For example, if I (a female,
keep in mind) went into a bar in downtown Toronto
at midnight on any night (including Sunday)
I could order a glass of wine, and then when I
was done with that I could order another, and
then after that I could order a brandy. And no
one could stop me. And that's not all. Once that
bar had closed, I could make my way to an "after-hours"
club and order another alcoholic beverage (of
my choice, yet) there. Probably till four or five
in the morning even. And no one could stop me.
So what, you say? Did I mention that in between
those two bars, if I wanted to go dancing, I could
do so? We have nightclubs in Toronto, places where
people put on tight clothing and move to the beat,
sometimes even taking a stranger home with
them. How uptight do we sound now, eh Uncle Sam??
Does that kind of tawdry misbehaviour go on in
your little town, in your little Mayfield or Mayberry?
I think not. Also, in Toronto, we have special
clubs for gay people. Sometimes, you might
even see someone wearing a rainbow on their shirt
-- that means they're gay and the Canadian government
allows it.
And
what I've described here goes on in all of Canada's
major cities: Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Toronto,
um, okay I already said that. And in our smaller
towns and cities people have places called "diners"
and "pubs" where they can knock back
a frosty pint or two with the missus. If they
knock back enough frosty pints then donnybrooks
will break out, making it necessary for the Mounties
to show up and settle things down. Do those kinds
of things happen in Tennessee? In Florida? In
Wyoming? I think not. Even in our frozen north,
people can thaw out enough to get all hot and
bothered. Try visiting Yellowknife or Whitehorse
during "Klondike Days." The latter is
a festival where people unleash their inner prospector
by dressing up as though it were the time of the
Great Goldrush. Imagine an underpopulated tundra
where women wearing high-necked blouses and long
skirts parade around in full view of the opposite
sex -- the opposite sex who is sometimes under
the influence of a Molson Canadian.
A
special, added attraction for Americans who want
to experience the truly wild Canada is the province
of Quebec. Quebec is full of French people, and
as history has shown us, French people always
add a little je-ne-sais-quoi, a little spice,
a little body odour, a little promiscuity, a little
smelly cheese and rancid wine to the mix. And
that's what you'll find in Quebec, along with
being able to buy bottles of wine in regular grocery
stores! Even the most brazen parts (like the gay
parts) of Toronto do not allow that.
Newfoundland,
our eastern-most province, is full of Irish people...and
you know what that always means...drunken
bar brawls! Yes, in Newfoundland's capital, St.
John's (or St. John, even Canadians aren't sure
which it is), there is a street called George
which is NOTHING but bars. Nothing but. Bars.
That's all. In other words, you can go have a
beer in one bar, leave it, go next door, have
another beer, leave it, go next door and have
a vodka. And again, no one can stop you.
And
it isn't just with hooch that Canadians lose control.
Terminally ill Canadians can now smoke a little
marijuana (legally, I mean), and even healthy
Canadians in British Columbia have been known
to indulge in a wee bit of reefer madness themselves.
British Columbia contains Canada's largest aging
hippie and draft dodger population and the influence
of both the 1960s and you lawless, gun-crazy Americans
can be felt in our western-most, and some say
most beautiful, province. And while Canadians
may not be able to go buy a Smith&Wesson at
the corner convenience store, the way you gun-nut
Americans can, we can buy knives at kitchen stores,
elastics at Business Depot and safety pins just
about anywhere. We can be every bit as dangerous
and threatening as you.
Finally,
while Canada may seem like a country without any
political conflict, a country where we all --
on a regular basis -- praise our government, remember
to vote and remember to criticize the United States,
it is also a country where people bravely speak
out when things are not right. No Kristallnacht
here. No mob mentality. No Vichy. No, we are brave.
There are literary circles, for example, where
good Canadians openly admit they don't like Margaret
Atwood. Okay, maybe not openly. But I was at one
such salon recently where two people leaned in
close and whispered it to each other...and then
looked very worried that I had heard them. Recently,
when top hockey commentator Ron Mclean nearly
lost his job at the CBC Canadians everywhere --
even Canucks overseas -- stood up and were counted.
At a time when the American president was discussing
a possible invasion of Iraq, at a time when the
violence continued in Afghanistan, at a time when
the Middle East was bubbling over, Canada's most
prestigious newspaper, the Globe and Mail, featured
the hockey commentator on their front page. Because
Canadians know what to fight for. (FYI, you ignorant
yanks, Mclean kept his job).
So
the next time you want to mock your tapioca northern
neighbours, remember: we're a heck of a lot closer
to caramel custard.
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